Drive-by post…

29 June 2012 By 4 Comments

I’d love to stay and chat for a while, really I would.  I’m typing this while also attempting to get my gear together to head to the theater, wrangle the kids’ stuff for the pool for then the sitter arrives, answering emails and trying to stretch.  Oh, and add “trying not to throw my daughter’s monitor across the room because she defiantly avoids nap on the day I most need it.”  I’m thisclose to starting my period so I’m a hormonal mess.  Child #2 is on my hit list for the day….

Pampering in Paradise 1 Drive by post...

Gone are the days when I could relax and pamper myself on show days.  Prior to kids, I would try to sleep in, take a nice long hot shower, eat a late lunch, maybe get a massage, make sure I had adequate hydration, do some yoga or something before heading to the studio.  

Today?  Let’s see…   I’ve been up since the crack of dawn; dropped my son off at camp; took my daughter to dance class; spent an hour taking her on errands (all the while fending off pleas of “I want this…I need that…” ; made lunch for Miss P, our bird, and finally myself – Doritos were the most nutritious thing on the menu…; put P down for a nap that she didn’t take; and avoided a colossal meltdown (that would be MY meltdown, not anyone under the age of 6).  I have yet to do one thing to prepare myself for this grueling show ahead.  I will be stretching in the car.  I have just had my first few sips of water for the day at 3:30pm.   There’s a big box of Target box wine on the counter with my name on it, and if it’s gone by the time I get home tonight, hell hath no fury like a PMSing mother. 

As they say in the dance world before a show…MERDE. 

Merde indeed…

Filed Under: modern dance, performing

Was that a tumbleweed that just rolled by this blog?

7 December 2011 By 1 Comment

Yeah, yeah, I know.  I haven’t posted anything lately.  In case you missed my post about The Unitard, I had a show last weekend.  Which involves lots of extra rehearsals where you stand around for hours in costumes, under toasty bright lights, alternating between trying to get warm, then dancing, then getting cold again, and repeat.  As an aging dancer, it’s brutal on the body.  And I’m not used to spending that much time away from home, which has check marks in both the Pros and Cons columns.  The show itself went really well, although the audience was less than plentiful.  I can’t blame them, I wouldn’t have traveled out in the snow on a weekend night to see dance either if I wasn’t getting paid for it.  But I felt pretty good about my performance, anyway.  Sunday was spent in Recovery Mode, resting a body that felt like it had been run over by a stampede and eating everything in sight.  I’m only now feeling like I’ve re-entered my life’s atmosphere and it’s, what, Wednesday?  Yikes.

IMG 0359 Was that a tumbleweed that just rolled by this blog?

And if last week wasn’t enough, I have tomorrow to look forward to.  Jury Duty.  That’s right.  Eight hours serving my civic duty.  I’m totally dreading it.  It’s not just the worry of serving on a jury and all the strain that puts on my role as Mother should I get selected and have to scramble for childcare, or even the hours of trying to kill time before the end of the day.  It’s the stress of getting out the door at an ungodly hour in the morning with two kids.  By myself.  I basically have to leave at 7:15am.  AM!!  That’s 15 minutes before Miss P usually wakes up for the day.  Both kids have to be dropped off at before-care and sit there for hours before school starts, then stay much longer in the afternoon.  The guilt that coincides with that is overwhelming.  It’s just one day though, right?  9-10 hours of daycare never killed anyone, right?  RIGHT?  Reassure me, please!

On a slightly different note, I may have also landed a job!  I can’t really talk about it yet, but it’s part-time and I’d work from home a few hours a day.  It might mean getting up at the crack of dawn, and figuring out how to work around getting some one down for a nap poses its challenges.  And I might not even get it.  But I’m hopeful about the possibility of using my brain in non-parent mode, and bringing in a scant amount of bacon.  It might just make the cost of therapy easier to swallow…

Filed Under: jury duty, modern dance, performing

Perception…

21 April 2011 By 16 Comments

The other day in rehearsal we were watching video of the last concert to try to recreate timing for a new dancer.  And let me say, I DETEST watching myself on video.  It never looks like it feels.  But this time, I thought it might be different.  I think I’m dancing better, stronger, fuller than I ever have. 

Yet, video didn’t cease to let me feel discouraged.  Here I was, thinking that I’m jumping higher, feeling length through my legs, moving with the strength of my pelvis, feeling voluminous in gestures.  But nothing looked like I imagined.  There are certain dancers that look just as great on video as they do in person, but I am not one of them (assuming that I look great live, ha!).  Listen, I worked for many years archiving dance film and video.  I know the pitfalls of the media: video makes things flat, movement dynamics don’t read like they do live, and performance energy is something that can’t be captured as well.  But damn.  It was a blow to my self-esteem.  I have to admit, I came home and gorged.  Adding some bloat to the weight I’ve gained back since the show.   Must.  Get.  Back.  On.  Track.

Filed Under: dancing, mid-career crisis, performing, self-confidence

Perspective…

4 April 2011 By Leave a Comment

Two days after the last performance of K’s show, and I’m still feeling wiped out.  My older, nearing-40 body just does not recover the way it used to.  I’m trying to listen to my body and give it the rest it needs.  Or maybe that’s just a great excuse not to work out today and eat my weight in popcorn and Oreos.

The show went really well, and we ended up with decent houses both nights.  The most important audience member came on Saturday.  Not a critic, choreographer, or future employer.  It was my son.  His first formal dance concert.  I was so excited and nervous to have him there.  Would he be able to sit through all of that dance?  Would he hate it?  Luckily, the answer was no to both of those questions.  Before I left, he was in his room, picking out his outfit with Daddy, and seemed really proud of his selection.  He looked like such a little man in the lobby, looking out for me in his dark jeans and striped polo short.  Somehow, having him in the audience made all the difference.  It wasn’t just that I worked my ass off extra hard, because I always feel like I give more than 100% with every performance.  But Mr. B’s presence made me want to give a performance that HE would be proud of.   How I wish I’d been able to see him waving madly to me from his seat at the end of the night.  His “Whoooo!!!” rang loud and clear through the house to my ears and generated a grin on my face that was so big it hurt.

It was a fun show to dance.  The pace of the evening was a good one for me.  Usually I’m in a few pieces that are back-to-back, and it is all I can do to keep breathing without keeling over by the end of the night.  My pieces were spaced out evenly this time around, and those precious moments to recharge my batteries were immeasurable.  But I also think that by Saturday, people were starting to shed some of the nerves and let go of their fear to be able to actually perform.  Connect with those around them.  Share something together.  It’s an exhilarating feeling as a performer, to feel the surge of communal energy that’s generated in a group piece.  Oh how I wish I could bottle that up and sell it.  Oh, wait.  I think there’s already something like that on the market, called crack, right?  Whatever.  It really has nothing to do with what I get back from the audience though.  I would continue performing for an audience of monkeys as long as I was able to obtain that performance high that comes when you connect with other dancers.  It doesn’t always happen with every show.  But man, when it does?  It’s awesome.  I’m addicted.  It’s why I keep doing this crazy thing time and time again.

Filed Under: modern dance, performing

T-minus two days…

30 March 2011 By Leave a Comment

K’s show opens on Friday, and we were in the theatre all day yesterday for our tech rehearsal.  It went okay, but brought out some of the usual drama that accompanies performance week.  I consider myself a pretty level-headed performer.  I don’t get extraordinarily nervous or anxious, and love the energy that comes with performing.  But I can also get sucked in to all of that Other energy.  The kind that comes from folks who desperately need attention, either good or bad.  I mean, I puked my guts out Saturday night and spent all day Sunday supine on the couch trying to recover, but you don’t see me making a big fuss about it.  I just wish folks would just do their freakin’ job and leave the other stuff at the door.  It is events like this that make the think it’s not dance I’m tired of, it’s all of the other shit that comes with it.  I still adore moving.  But I’m also feeling too old to deal with some of the politics of dance.  Perhaps I need another venue.  Or maybe just a total career change?  But as I approach 40, is it too late?

Filed Under: age, performing