Down in it…

27 April 2011 by 11 Comments

Today was a rough day…well, maybe not the whole day, but the first half was utter crap.  I woke up feeling exhausted and hit with the cold I’ve been trying to escape from just about everyone in my family and K’s company.  And that funky mood followed me around all morning and most of the afternoon.  Rehearsal only brought out the worst in me.  Decisions were made that I passively was a part of, and now that I didn’t make my concerns known, I’m stuck in a hard place.  It’s my own fault, really, for not stepping up and vocalizing more adamantly what I wanted and didn’t want.  Once I fell in to that tar pit of gloom, it was impossible to pull myself out of it.  And every thing that occurred for the rest of the day just exacerbated my foul mood. 

Thankfully, my friend M knows what kind of work I’ve been doing on myself, and gave me a verbal slap in the face.  M is a tell-it-like-it-is kind of gal, and I love that about her.  She reminded me that my ego loves misery and feeds off of it; that the things I’m telling myself are lies and fodder for negative thinking.  It was the exact thing I needed to hear at that moment and it shook me out of my funk so that I was able to get on with my day.  In the end, I had a great afternoon with the kids and everything went so smoothly that I almost didn’t want the kids to go to bed.  Wait, did I just say that?  I did say almost.

What do YOU do to pull yourself out of a bad day and turn it around?

Filed Under: dancing, funk, self-improvement, stuck

Falling off the wagon…

18 April 2011 by 1 Comment

Two things occurred this weekend that I’m not proud of. The first minor offense?  I broke my no-soda-for-lent streak and splurged on a Diet Coke yesterday.  I felt naughty and guilty the entire time I consumed it.  But, man, it tasted nice.  I think I’m just so bored with water that it was good to get a break from the norm.

Speaking of getting a break from the norm, I took the kids to a nearby hotel Saturday night to play in the pool and get some fun time away.  Also, hopefully to give Daddy a mini-break, since I’d been away visiting my father.  The kids loved playing for hours alternating from the frigid pool to the toasty hot tub.  We had crappy fast food for dinner, curled up on the bed and ate popcorn and chocolate while watching a movie, and went to bed really late.  What’s not to like about that?  Well, I’ll tell ya.  I slept horribly.  Let me change that.  When I DID sleep, it was yummy, hard sleep.  But I kept waking up every hour or so, totally convinced that it was morning, and would pop upright to see if the kids were still asleep.  We don’t sleep in the same room as our kids, never have unless we’re in a hotel.  But we usually try to get a suite, so that we can still be Adults after early bedtimes.  Then we’ll sneak in to the bedroom, drag a small one, still asleep in the pack and play, out in to the living room, close the door and go to sleep.  I thought when I woke up in the morning that I had gotten rest, but by the time mid-afternoon came around, I was toast.

And with my energy went my “positive outlook.”  I found myself doing that horrible spiral in to Woe-is-me land.  The second thing I’m not proud of.  Snapping at my husband and kids, getting cranky and passive/aggressive. 

You would think that after five days of trying to see the bright side of things, concentrating on breathing and relaxing, being patient and not blowing up, I would have gotten the hang of things.  But see, that’s my problem.  All of this work I do?  It has a shelf life of 4-5 days.  That is as long as I can sustain it.

However, I’m trying to give myself a break.  Life is a marathon, not a sprint, right?

Filed Under: fun, funk

Back in the day…

19 January 2011 by 2 Comments

I’m going to go ahead and admit something. I’ve been in a total funk lately.  And I feel guilty that I do – I have absolutely no reason to feel this way.  Especially with everything going on in the world, feeling down makes me feel like an ungrateful spoiled brat.  I have a roof over my head, food to eat, and amazing husband, two adorable children that I had no problem creating, the use of my legs, lungs, eyes, ears, heart.  And yet, I can’t help feeling a little lost.  I find myself getting angry a lot, my fuse having shortened a long time ago.  Little things that shouldn’t bother me set me off and get my whole day and mood off-kilter.  It’s a horrible place to be.  And I know what you’re thinking.  “Gee, Gina, perhaps you’re depressed?”  However, I’ve already got that covered.  What I’m left with is that I’m not really digging the person I am right now.  I think back to those days, y’know, the ones before kids?  ITDBK.  It’s my new acronym for In The Days Before Kids.  But I digress.  My memory of myself was more relaxed and able to laugh a lot, willing to be silly if the mood hit me.  While I’ve always been a worry wart, it’s never elevated to such a level as it has being a mother.  It’s a vicious spiral of thought.  “What if Miss P doesn’t nap?  Will she have a horrible meltdown while I’m trying to make dinner?  Oh great, then she’ll be so clingy that I won’t be able to give Mr. B any attention, then he’ll get all silly and act out.  And will that mean bedtime will be hard?  And then will Miss P wake up early?  And will she then wake up Mr. B?”  It’s exhausting to think that way!  I KNOW that is no way to live, and yet I find myself in this stupid and toxic pattern on a daily if not more-than-daily basis.  I’ve tried reading self-help (if it’s on Oprah’s list, is that still considered “self-help?”  or just popular?) books on positive thinking, and while some of the principles help for a short period of time,  I can’t seem to maintain that inertia over the long haul.  I KNOW I need to change this nasty pattern.  I can’t stand to be with myself, so I can only imagine what it’s like for Jon and the kids.  

Kids.  I wish that I could live life like a kid.  They totally embody that whole “living in the moment” thing, don’t they?  Both of my kids are just so present most of the time, with the exception of times when the boob tube in on.   Oh to live life with that kind of energy!  Where a disappointment or a hurt feeling has the life span of about three minutes, and then it’s gone as fast as it came.  Mr. B can snap out of a bad mood or come back from being disciplined so quickly it’s unreal.  We can get angry at him for some kind of act he’s done, he’ll sulk for about five minutes, and then talk to us like nothing happened.  No grudges, no bitterness, just seizing whatever moment he’s in.  I guess this is what they say when you hear adults talk about their kids teaching them more then the adults teach the kids.  I’m trying really, really really hard to be the best me I can be.  I feel like I’m failing at the moment.  I know there is a fun, warm, fully present and giving mom and wife in me.  I just have to dig deep and pull her out. 

Filed Under: before kids, funk, modern dance, presence, stuck