Photo: adropp
I head out the door, needing some time away from the negative energy I’ve just left behind in my wake. What the heck is wrong with me? I just behaved exactly like I tell my children not to. It’s okay to have feelings, it’s not okay to act badly on them. Hypocrite…
Intending just to walk it off, the easy sensation of strolling is not satisfying enough. I need something harder, rougher. I start to run. Fast. One foot pounding in front of the other. What am I running from?
He’s right, I think. I am in a bad mood a lot. I begin thinking of that scene from Say Anything….
Lloyd: Why can’t you be in a good mood? How hard is it to decide to be in a good mood and be in a good mood once in a while?”
Constance: Gee, it’s easy.
That’s right, Joan Cusack. It is f’ing hard sometimes.
One foot. The other. Jay Z blaring poetry in my ears.
I’m tired. Of being angry. Of feeling foreign in my own skin. Of being the problem.
Where am I? I’ve never been in this neighborhood before. I’m certain this pain in my chest and lungs will go away with time once I get used to running. Breathe. Put my head down. Keep moving forward.
Turkey vultures fly overhead. Do they swoop down and pick up people? What would that feel like, to be scooped up, lifted off the ground by a gigantic bird of prey with a five-foot wing span?
I still have some left-over Zoloft in my cabinet. It sounds tempting at times, just to pop a pill and hope it makes a difference. I wish I could take a break from feeling from time to time. I feel too much it seems. I’m tired of feeling. It doesn’t do anyone any good, these feelings of mine. I can’t seem to wrangle them in, to make sense of them, to not act impulsively on them like a tantruming toddler.
One foot. The other. Time to head back home.
Photo: Roger Smith
I can’t go this fast anymore. I slow down to a walk. A pace this slow allows me to see this bizarre looking fruit, hedge apples I think they’re called. They were strewn across a table in Miss P’s class last week, available for the curious fingers and minds of a preschool class. And now, here they are, scattered along the trail. Her teacher informed me that these ugly apples deter insects. Keep away spiders. Maybe it will keep away my demons too?
I approach the front door, three gigantic, sticky hedge apples in hand, open the door and go inside.
One foot. The other. Moving forward.
Your honesty is refreshing. Thank you for sharing your TRUE feelings. It helps.
Thanks, Lisa. Glad this resonates with you.
Sometimes we need some time away to clear our thought so that we can come back and tackle parenting.
That’s very true! Perhaps more Mommy Time Outs are needed for me?
Wow, very well written, I can relate to how you were feeling. I like the questions you about being picked up by the giant bird of prey, and if the hedge apple would also keep your demons away also. I live my life one day at a time, just like you talked about one foot in front of another. Keep your chin up i’m pulling for you.
Thanks, Scott. I’m pulling for me too. Keep on keepin’ on, right?
I wish I could take more mommy time-outs, I just don’t allow myself to do it. It might make me a more effective parent to step away, far away! I just never let myself do it. Good for you!
Tammy, that’s what I think as well. Or maybe a stress management class! I kid about that, but in all seriousness, I think I need to reintroduce meditation back in to my daily routine. At least it would give me time to get centered, to not let my thoughts run amok.
I think every mom has felt this way at some point, even if they don’t want to admit it. We all get frustrated, but not all of us learn to just step away and breathe for a bit. It sounds like you are on the right path. One foot in front of the other. Day by day. It will get easier.
I agree with you, Theresa. I know I’m not alone, that I can’t be the only mom that doesn’t feel bubbly and loving every minute of parenthood. Learning to take care of myself is a priority these days.
Loved this post. Well written. Sometimes it all gets a little overwhelming. That’s normal. Time for a break. I had a day like that today too. Boys are napping so now I’m heading for one
Leigh
Thank you, Leigh. Naptime, can’t beat that! I do have my days where I’m counting down the minutes until bedtime. Then feel regretful looking back on the day that I didn’t enjoy my time more with the kids. One of these days I’ll get all of this figured out!