I feel like I need to apologize for my lack of presence in this blog lately. But I really have to blame it on attention to presence in my non-blog life. I’ve been spending a lot of time this past week attempting to remain present and “in the moment.” Y’all, that is some hard shit to do. I had a friend in town to help out while Jon was away, and instead of my usual multi-tasking of blogging while watching TV, I turned off the laptop and focused on enjoying what I was watching for a change, and being engaged with my friend. I have to admit, I didn’t miss the blogosphere as much as I thought I would. Which makes me kind of sad in a way. I really need to find a way to organize my time so I can internet (that’s right, I just used it as a verb!) to my hearts content, yet not feel like it pulls me away from those around me.
I’ve also been busy doing “homework” as requested by my therapist. It’s not horrible, soul searching stuff where I have to chart emotions or write for hours and hours in a journal. It’s doing some reading and listening. I’m revisiting Eckhart Tolle’s A New Earth, this time via audio book. I don’t know if it’s getting a first hand description of how the super ego works from my therapy visits, or if it’s just listening to the book from a human voice other than mine, but I have to say, I’m getting a deeper understanding of things this second time around. I think when I read it the first time, my thought process of the egoic mind was more of the “woe is me” type. But what I’m finding in myself is that my super ego doesn’t operate that way. Mine? It likes to turn it out to others. So their story becomes mine. That whatever they say or do seems like a personal attack. When really? It’s just their story. A complicated concept that I’m still trying to get a grip on. But, overall, I’m feeling a little lighter in mood. A little less tense. A whole lot less angry. And that feels like progress.
Oh, and I started group therapy as well. Scared the living shit out of me at first. I’ve only had one meeting, and on the drive over, I felt like I was going to puke. See, there’s this whole confidentiality thing about group, so no one could tell me what group was going to be like or what was going to happen, and likewise, I can’t tell you either. But the fear of the unknown is a mighty one, and I didn’t like not knowing what I was in for. And wouldn’t you know it? It wasn’t nearly as scary as my mind had made it out to be. That super ego is one magnificent liar.
Gina- I totally hear you about stepping away from blogging. Blogging reminds me so much of dancing – the time commitment, the devotion/obsession, an addictive, yet can’t live without it creative outlet, the networking/brown nosing, wondering why someone with less talent is getting more recognition. It is good that you could step away and get some perspective – to live in the moment instead of taking half-assed stolen moments to work. I know you’ll keep going and find balance/peace with blogging, but it’s tough. But hey, if you can dance you can do anything. That’s what I tell myself anyway…
I’m with you on this too. Sometimes I wonder about us bloggers. Is there something missing in our real lives that makes us devote so much time to the computer, at the expense of everything else? It isn’t good. I have cut back a lot but still find I’m here a lot. Where’s the balance? And who are we blogging for? Does anyone read blogs but other bloggers and our relatives? I’m really beginning to wonder if it’s worth it. I do enjoy it and it’s a creative outlet, but I’m spending an awful lot of time doing something at the expense of other things and people in my life.
We are connecting with others here in blog land, but are we losing connections to the people in our “real lives?”
Keesha – man, what a great analogy, it IS a lot like the dance world. I never thought of it that way! One of these days I’ll get this whole Time Management thing under control…
Michael Ann – Your comment hit the nail on the head. I know when I’m curled up on the couch typing away on the computer while I “watch” TV shows with my husband, he’s over there thinking “what the heck?” I think I just need to get on a schedule of some sort. Blogging days. And if I miss something not on one of those days, then so be it. However, it IS nice to have a little hobby too.