I’m going to go ahead and admit something. I’ve been in a total funk lately. And I feel guilty that I do – I have absolutely no reason to feel this way. Especially with everything going on in the world, feeling down makes me feel like an ungrateful spoiled brat. I have a roof over my head, food to eat, and amazing husband, two adorable children that I had no problem creating, the use of my legs, lungs, eyes, ears, heart. And yet, I can’t help feeling a little lost. I find myself getting angry a lot, my fuse having shortened a long time ago. Little things that shouldn’t bother me set me off and get my whole day and mood off-kilter. It’s a horrible place to be. And I know what you’re thinking. “Gee, Gina, perhaps you’re depressed?” However, I’ve already got that covered. What I’m left with is that I’m not really digging the person I am right now. I think back to those days, y’know, the ones before kids? ITDBK. It’s my new acronym for In The Days Before Kids. But I digress. My memory of myself was more relaxed and able to laugh a lot, willing to be silly if the mood hit me. While I’ve always been a worry wart, it’s never elevated to such a level as it has being a mother. It’s a vicious spiral of thought. “What if Miss P doesn’t nap? Will she have a horrible meltdown while I’m trying to make dinner? Oh great, then she’ll be so clingy that I won’t be able to give Mr. B any attention, then he’ll get all silly and act out. And will that mean bedtime will be hard? And then will Miss P wake up early? And will she then wake up Mr. B?” It’s exhausting to think that way! I KNOW that is no way to live, and yet I find myself in this stupid and toxic pattern on a daily if not more-than-daily basis. I’ve tried reading self-help (if it’s on Oprah’s list, is that still considered “self-help?” or just popular?) books on positive thinking, and while some of the principles help for a short period of time, I can’t seem to maintain that inertia over the long haul. I KNOW I need to change this nasty pattern. I can’t stand to be with myself, so I can only imagine what it’s like for Jon and the kids.

Kids. I wish that I could live life like a kid. They totally embody that whole “living in the moment” thing, don’t they? Both of my kids are just so present most of the time, with the exception of times when the boob tube in on. Oh to live life with that kind of energy! Where a disappointment or a hurt feeling has the life span of about three minutes, and then it’s gone as fast as it came. Mr. B can snap out of a bad mood or come back from being disciplined so quickly it’s unreal. We can get angry at him for some kind of act he’s done, he’ll sulk for about five minutes, and then talk to us like nothing happened. No grudges, no bitterness, just seizing whatever moment he’s in. I guess this is what they say when you hear adults talk about their kids teaching them more then the adults teach the kids. I’m trying really, really really hard to be the best me I can be. I feel like I’m failing at the moment. I know there is a fun, warm, fully present and giving mom and wife in me. I just have to dig deep and pull her out.