Plateau…

25 July 2011 by 20 Comments

I know, I know.  I haven’t been in here much lately.  Not nearly as much as I’d like.  I’ve had a lot going on.  Both externally and internally.  My mom was in town last week while my husband was away on business, and while that sounds like “help”, it didn’t feel like it.  I spent the majority of the week feeling pissed off that I wasn’t getting much help beyond a comment here or a picked up toy there.  And then there was another person to clean up after and schedule showers around.  My mother means well, but as like many grandparents, it’s been a long time since she’s been around small kids, and has no memory of what is needed.  And she’s in a self-absorbed place in her life, trying to take care of her needs, which I’m trying to respect. 

And last week was just too down of a week for me to write.   I felt like I was riding first class on the slow train to Crazytown half of the time.  I just want these drugs out of my system so I can feel even again.  But who knows, maybe I’ll never feel entirely even again. 

We’re headed on vacation soon, the first little official vacation that our family of four is taking.  It’s beachy, has a kids club, and offers the promise of relaxation and reconnection.  While I feel a good 5-6 pounds chunkier than I’d like to for parading around in a bathing suit, I’m also super excited to fall asleep while reading a book poolside, indulge in a fruity Adult Cocktail throughout the day, see my daughter play in the ocean for the first time, bury my kids in sand, and spend some kid-free time with my favorite guy in the world.  I just can’t wait…

Filed Under: anti-depressants, depression, vacation, weaning

Weaning…part, uh, what number am I on?

19 July 2011 by 16 Comments

I’m headed down the final stretch of weaning off my anti-depressant, and I’m not gonna lie…it hasn’t been pretty.  Now that I’ve gotten quite a bit of this out of my system, I’m finding myself right back where I started 18 months ago:  snappy, on edge, on the verge of exploding at any second, full of rage and anger and resentment.  It’s a horrible place to be.  I spend most of my day feeling as if I don’t want to be in my skin.  Embarrassed at how I may have just acted towards my kids and husband, about how scared my kids must feel towards me, not knowing if I’m going to blow up unexpectedly. 

Today I saw a therapist for the first time in two years.  He came highly recommended by a friend of mine.  And this guy?  He might actually be the answer to things.  I’ve already got an assignment for next week.  And I left feeling hopeful.  With a sense of promise.  Keep your fingers crossed…

Filed Under: anti-depressants, depression, therapy

Weaning…

20 June 2011 by 7 Comments

So.  Week 1.  Done.

Weaning off of the meds is going.  Not really horrible, not amazingly easy.  It’s just…going.  I am proceeding slowly, so I don’t know if I feel what I’m feeling because I KNOW I’m not taking in as much, or if it really is a withdrawal symptom.  I’m down to a half-dose every other day, and starting today I will be taking a half-dose every day until next week, where I’ll cut down to 1/4 dose every other day, slowly phasing out until I’m done.  The first couple of days?  Intense headaches that lasted all day.  Those have gone away.  Now what I’m left with is a tiny feeling of anxiety most of the time, like a little mouse is running on a wheel in my chest.  And some sweaty nights.  I’m über-irritable.  I have snapped at just about every one in this house more than I should.  I’m not proud. 

Yet, it is time to suck it up and get a grip.  I know I have it in me to do this, to be the kind of parent and person I want to be without having to rely on anti-depressants to get the job done.  I just have to believe it and live it.  The times when I’m with just one kid, I feel like my old self again.  The Original Mommy.  One on one, I am Spectacular Mom.  Patient, playful, funny.  With two?  I’m Mommy Dearest.  And that sucks.  With two, I feel like I’m constantly in demand.  And then I become resentful.  Resentful of my darling husband that has the freedom to shower, take a shit, and get dressed, more often than not and more often than me, without interruption (knowing full well that this statement is a HUGE generalization, not always true, and that he works amazingly hard so that I can stay home with our kids and how dare I not feel grateful?).  I feel exhasuted and taken for granted when I spend an hour after the kids go to bed cleaning up after just about everyone.  And I find myself wanting to use that phrase I heard my mother say…”I’m not your maid.”

Even as I type that paragraph above, I feel like a brat.  My husband does way more than most, more than me even. And my kids are good kids.  Sure, they don’t pick up every toy.  But they are decent listeners and they just love to take inventory of their fun stuff.  Totally typical.  And really?  I shouldn’t take it so personally.  They aren’t tossing their toys out of toy boxes just to get at me and make me angry.  They’re doing it because they are 5 and 2 and that is their job.

See?  Removed from the situation, I can be calm and reasonable.  But in the thick of things, I let my emotions get the best of me.  And that is not what I want my children to remember about me or their childhood.  But that whole remembering to be mindful thing is just so hard. 

Lately I’ve been feeling as though wearing something at all times might help.  Something tangible, something I can see to remind myself to slow down my breathing, remember to be mindful.  Like a bracelet.  Is that why Buddhists where those beads?  Or Kabbalah’s wear the red string?  I don’t want to really purchase anything, so about a week ago I went rumaging through my jewerly box.  I’m still searching for the right thing.  The one bracelet I have been wearing this week is too bulky, and it’s difficult to type or write when wearing it.  I’ve also gotten my hair stuck in it a few times.  Ouch!

I do like how I can feel it.  I’ve tried another little beaded bracelet, and it was so thin and lightweight that I hardly noticed it was around my wrist.

Anyone have any ideas?  I’m open…

Filed Under: anti-depressants, beaded bracelets, mindfulness, weaning

What if…

10 June 2011 by 11 Comments

…I chicken out and don’t go through with this whole weaning thing?
…I muster up strength and DO go through with this whole weaning thing?
…I turn back in to that resentful, angry and on-the-ledge mom I was before meds?
…my family can’t take the “normal” me?
…I can’t take the “normal” me?
…I come through the fog and see that I still have a lot of work to do?
…I can’t do it on my own?
…I quickly realize that weaning was a mistake and go back on meds?
…I feel like a failure if I do?
…I get out of my head and just focus on breathing for a while?
…I say F it and push fear aside?
…I ask for help when I need it instead of bottling up all of that pissyness?
…I dig down deep and rely on good old fashioned chutzpa?
…I feel like a new person in a week and like it?
…I overcome all of this shit and feel proud?
…you’re already sick of reading this ridiculous list, thus affecting my bounce rate?
…I stopped using ellipses…?
…I take a break from all of this thinking and feed my feelings with some homemade chocolate chips cookies?

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Filed Under: anti-depressants, weaning

Give to get…

6 June 2011 by 13 Comments

Whatever you think people are withholding from you — praise, appreciation, assistance, loving care, and so on — give it to them.  You don’t have it?  Just act as if you had it, and it will come.  Then, soon after you start giving, you will start receiving.  You cannot receive what you don’t give.  Outflow determines inflow.  Whatever you think the world is withholding from you, you already have, but unless you allow it to flow out, you won’t even know that you have it.  This includes abundance.  

Eckhart Tolle – A New Earth

My insurance company was kind enough to mail me a reminder card to refill my prescription for anti-depressants.  And before I clicked “Confirm” online to get it sent my way, I had second thoughts.  I mean, c’mon.  Two years post-baby, can I really lean on the post-partum and hormone crutch anymore?   I’d really like to get off of them.  But I’m scared to take the plunge.  It’s been a stressful and rough month, and I’m barely hanging on even with assistance.  What makes me think I can do this on my own?  I mean, I know I CAN, I’m just afraid to.  For me, I know that summer will be the easiest time to wean off the meds, what with the gorgeous weather, lots of Vitamin D, and fun activities to keep us occupied and look forward to.  But it’s a scary step.

What I need is courage.  Like the Lion.  And like the lion, I know I have it in me all along.  And I need to get me some Patience to tide me through.  Too bad that wasn’t a Wizard of Oz character, right?  What would she have looked like?  A squirrel?  Just a blazing ball of nervous energy? 

I know that these things are MY issue.  And the other stuff?  Like feeling as if no one listens to me?  No one gives me help when I need it?  It’s my issue, too.  I need to listen in order to be listened to.  I need to be calm and caring in order to feel that energy from others.  I need to give willingly and without condition in order to receive that help I wish for but never ask.  It’s a total Catch-22.  I’m determined to have a great summer.  Not a sullen, cranky one in which I anxiously look forward to the return of school.  It WILL happen.

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Filed Under: anti-depressants, depression, Eckhart Tolle