This year, my daughter valiantly gave up her lovey - a beat-up old sleep sack that she’s used to help comfort her while she sucked her thumb for five+ years. (Yeah, remember Mr. Mom? Sleep sack was like Kenny’s Woobie.)
While I still occasionally catch her with her thumb in her mouth in the middle of the night, I’m so impressed and amazed that she willingly made the choice to stop and become a Big Girl. I’m glad she’s rid of the attachment and am keeping my fingers crossed we have helped cheapen our future orthodontic bills. But there’s a huge part of me that is sad she’s given all of that up. So easily.
Today I’m honored to feature a guest post by Eli Pacheco, a talented writer that I’m a HUGE fan of, who hits this whole attachment nail on the head.
It’s the last post of the year, folks! To all of you who have stuck by me this past year, thank you. May you not give up on me as easily as my daughter did her sleep sack.
photo credit:Kalexanderson via photopin cc
My mom once babysat a kid. We’ll call her … Fifi.
Fifi had a blankie. It was a white, silky-bordered blankie. Fifi sucked on the silky edges. Fifi’s mom cut it into mini-blankies, but Fifi used only the ones with silky edge to suck. They were always slobbery.
Fifi’s family – we’ll call them, the Krikensmirtzes – couldn’t venture anywhere without a blankie.
Before my voice even changed, I’d made up my mind about one part of parenthood, at least.
Jesus, please don’t let my kids grow attached to a blankie. Or anything close to it.
Especially a suck blankie.
Fast forward 25 years. I’m now a father of three girls. Few parts about fatherhood suck. And not a one involves the silky fringe of a stinky blanket. In fact, none of my girls – now 17, 14 and 10 – have ever had a blankie, or anything close to it. No must-have teddy at bedtime.
Not even a favorite shirt, or favorite toy.
I could have handled it if they did. I’d understand. I’d show compassion. But I would never turn the car around for JuJu the pink tiger or ShooShoo the blanket or anything, right? It would be the first of a lifetime of lessons in How to Maintain Like a Human Being.
I also felt it would be a stage if it happened.
My kid would someday leave behind that toy or blanket or comfort item. She’d vanquish it like diaper dependence or pacifier addiction. (Hell, they didn’t even use a dooboo, or yaboo, or whatever people call that favorite rubber pie-hole plugger. Or even suck a thumb.)
It’s as if these girls took their first steps, and never looked back.
Isn’t there something sentimental about an attachment?
About a kid who so loves the home you’ve helped to create for her that she must keep something from it with her always?
If a kid doesn’t cry and cling to you as you drop her off to the first day of kindergarten, have you been doing it wrong?
There were plenty of tears on Elise’s first day of kindergarten. They were my own.
Who needs a comfort item as a kid ventures into school and big-kid life? Me. I kept, for a short while, a velvet-soft stuffed bunny she played with.
It wasn’t even a comfort toy to her. But it became that for me: The dad who wouldn’t move.
Fast forward 10 years. Elise is a junior in high school. Marie will be a freshman next year. Grace will be in fifth grade in the fall. I long ago passed on that velvet-soft stuffed bunny.
I appreciate grace and strength and beauty in my girls. Miniscule adventures gave way to colossal ones, to milestones and moments. The idea of attachments faded out with last school year’s pictures. I see better now, too. I notice when my girls wear my shirts and hats.
Is that attachment, or just comfort? Either way, I’m OK with that.
Marie embellished a drab white clothes cabinet with her artwork. It’s decorated with drawings and words of inspiration, a blend of beauty and whimsy. It’s her personality, in bright Sharpie ink.
Open a door to this cabinet and find birthday cards from years and years. There are soccer photos, notes from friends, and other artifacts of a girl who grew up with love. In the upper right-hand corner, there’s a quarter-sized metal turtle with glossy colored shell taped to the door. A trinket I haven’t seen in years.
“You still have this?” I asked, rubbing a finger over the smooth shell to prove it’s there.
“Well, duh,” Marie says in predictable teen dialog. But she smiles.
It remembered the day I fished it out of my pocket, and put it in Marie’s little first-grade hand as she wiped tears. She’d just cried into my shirt on my belly. She didn’t want me to leave after my tour as lunch dad. “I’ll be back to pick you up soon, honey,” I said. I thought the turtle wouldn’t last the day.
Before I even had made it out of her room that day, I’d made up my mind about one more part of parenthood, at least.
Jesus, please don’t let my kids ever lose that often silent but always sustaining attachment.
To me.
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When he isn’t trying to fit into size 32 jeans or hosting awesome guest posters, Eli Pacheco is dad to three awesome girls and writes the blog Coach Daddy. Follow him on Google Plus, Pinterest and Twitter.
Gina - thanks so much for the chance to guest post here! It was fun to think about that moment with Marie, and to look back into that cabinet and find the turtle there. Thanks again for this opportunity.
Eli@coachdaddy recently posted…Why My Blog Reads Like a Kids’ Book
Beautiful guest post and yes I have also saved more then a few sentimental items of my own girls from over the years, too. So guilty as charged and was shedding a few tears reading your words here about this, Eli.
Janine Huldie recently posted…The Princesses 2014 Year in Review Wonderful Wednesday
I started with a folder of “keepsakes” - pictures the girls have drawn for me, home-made cards, and more - and I think it’s filled a filing cabinet by now. Glad you liked this post Janine!
Eli@coachdaddy recently posted…On the Road Again: This Time, at Full of It
Eli, I’ve done the same folder thing, one for each year for each kid, and I’m running out of space! Last year, I bit the bullet and took photos of/scanned all the artwork, uploaded them to a photo site, and made a giant book. That way I could get rid of the old physical stuff but not feel guilty. Well…I kept some of the best, most memorable ones. But how many drawings of Elsa can you keep?
Beautifully written : I’ve experienced both : A daughter that never suffered separation anxiety, that slept through the night at 7 months old, that donates toys left an right and that has a little white rabbit that she will always go for first, but that she regularly lends her brother to sleep with. My son on the other hand has a blankie… We call him Linus when he drags it around the house, over his shoulder. Does he take it everywhere? No… I’m not taking the blankie on a hike… Would I turn the car around? No… My son spent the first year of his life dealing with un-diagnosed food intolerance to dairy an would get awful pains at night. A transition object helped him cope. At 18 mo, he still can’t sleep through the night : He is a nervous boy, needs a lot of contact, needs reassurance… That little blue blankie gives mom and dad a few hours of continued sleep every night. It,s hard to say what makes one kid act a certain way and another go the completely opposite way… But parenting is all about survival isn’t it?
Again, great post Eli!
Yanic recently posted…1/52 – Her & Him
Thanks Yanic! You’re right … there’s an element of survival in parenting, every day. I can’t say it’s good or bad to have an attachment item. My girls haven’t even been superstitious about their uniform number. Yet. After I wrote this, I had to really ask myself, would I turn around to get something for my kid? Something they were attached to?
If they asked sweetly - yes. Every time.
Eli@coachdaddy recently posted…On the Road Again: This Time, at Full of It
Yeah you would… you big softy!!!
Yanic recently posted…1/52 – Her & Him
This is a beautiful post! Each of my kids had a blanket that they cherished and one went as far as having three that each night had to be placed in the correct order over her before she would go to sleep. They each still have these treasure to take with them when the leave the nest if they choose. I have a box for each of them containing things made for me.
Beautiful post Eli!
kisma recently posted…Monday’s Music
Thank you Kisma! I definitely hoard all things I get from the girls. I can’t help it! I also have every shirt they’ve ever picked out for me. Even if it’s stained or out of style. Actually, nothing my girls pick for me could ever go out of style. I even kept a club-worthy tight black t-shirt that my oldest picked out for me when we went shopping before she was even in kindergarten!
Eli@coachdaddy recently posted…On the Road Again: This Time, at Full of It
Oh this is so very sweet, Eli. That Marie blindsided you is even better. Abby is only attached to one animal, that happened because she was screaming for a MIMI when she was about 12 months old, crawled over to her lamb and MIMI has been in her bed ever since. That was the first day I realized I was raising a hoarder. An unbelievable hoarder with attachment issue. But when I see her still playing (secretly, because hey I’m in 5th grade) with those long ago items it makes it worth it. Though I pity her first housemate
Kerri recently posted…My Challenge: ADHD
Every time I see Grace playing with toys younger than her age bracket, I’m grateful. I want her to feel like a baby sometimes, because she’ll always be mine. That Marie thought enough of the turtle to keep it was awesome. Elise once slept with a soccer ball when she was young because she said it made her think of me when she missed me.
Give Abby a kiss on the forehead for us. Glad you liked this, Kerri.
Eli@coachdaddy recently posted…On the Road Again: This Time, at Full of It
What a beautiful post. Now that I think about it, M never glommed onto anything in the same way Fifi did with her blankie. There are some things he won’t part with now though and has asked me to “look after” now that he has left the nest. Funny how I didn’t think about it until just now.
notapunkrocker recently posted…And Then We Came to the End
Thanks Sheena. I think when the kids don’t develop that attachment, there are still 37 other things to grab our attention as parents. Elise has a toy pug named Toby she didn’t want in her room anymore, but wanted me to “look after.” So I brought it to work, and he’s been more popular than me around the office.
Eli@coachdaddy recently posted…On the Road Again: This Time, at Full of It
Toby the Pug who lives at your office, that makes me smile!
It’s hard to let go - of memories and “stuff”. On the other hand sometimes you’ve got to make room for new memories and new stuff by saying goodbye to the old ones.
I cried in the car that day I dropped Colin off at daycare for the first time. He was 16 months old and didn’t even look back, he was so excited about making new friends and checking out the toys. I decided I’d rather be the proud, yet sentimental mom who had a son who was independent enough to discover a new world, than the mom of that whiner who cried “mommy, I want my mommy, where is she, when will she come back…” I felt guilty enough about going back to work without a crying kid.
He’s a popular dog!
Elise was that way to start school. She made friends right away and was ready for the adventure. Me? I was sentimental. It was a milestone more for me than for her. I love this part of your comment:
I’d rather be the proud, yet sentimental mom who had a son who was independent enough to discover a new world, than the mom of that whiner who cried “mommy, I want my mommy, where is she, when will she come back…”
Not all parents feel that way! I think some like to be cried for. It validates them.
Eli@coachdaddy recently posted…Guest Post: Mel of Life According to Mags, with a Ghost Tale
You know what was super validating? In the evenings after a hectic day at work I came to pick him up, and he would run toward me down the hall, big smile on his face, “Hiiii Moooooommmy!” and jump in my arms
Always a wonderful read! My Big Guy wasn’t overly attached to any stuffies, but he spent most of JK letting go of me. Little Guy is overly attached to a blankie, but didn’t even say good-bye before trotting off to the classroom. Every child is uniquely precious (and sometimes irritating too)! lol
Jenn recently posted…Wilderness Wednesdays
Thank you Jenn! It really depends on the kid, doesn’t it? And they seem to know when to say when. I have never worked with a grown-up who still had their blankie.
Eli@coachdaddy recently posted…Go Ask Daddy About Runaway Scores, Computer Jargon and Cautionary Tales
This is a lovely read, Eli. Attachment - to whatever it happens to be - is a very personal thing, isn’t it? I don’t claim to be sentimental and yet I can’t seem to let go of a few particular things for various reasons. My Husband - who is the absolute opposite of sentimental - has Kidzilla’s first pair of little Teva sandals and the onesie she wore to come home from the hospital stashed in a drawer. Kidzilla definitely had favorites - and still does. Peanut and Red Bear were her best buds forever. She doesn’t always need them anymore, but she likes knowing they are there and they live in a place of honor among the other stuffed friends. Wait - how odd - I just looked over at Kidzilla and Red Bear is among the current batch of animals she’s playing with! See? He pops up when I least expect him to.
Anyway, back to the topic. I think people, whether children or adults, develop attachments for particular reasons that may only make sense to them. And when they are ready, they move on at precisely the right time for them, no one else. It’s all part of growing.
Lisa @ The Meaning of Me recently posted…TToT - Soft Landing
Peanut and Red Bear are the hall of famers. I think when kids get older, they realize they don’t have the same space for those things, but the significance isn’t lost on them. It might just be a moment. We saved a multi-colored stuffed duck because Elise gently put it on her shoulder and patted its back like we do to her.
We’ll never part with it.
It is part of growing, isn’t it? we need to trust in that.
Eli@coachdaddy recently posted…Go Ask Daddy About Runaway Scores, Computer Jargon and Cautionary Tales
All 3 of my kids have an item. Or, have had several items that have absolutely gone EVERYWHERE they go. It’s cute. and it’s quite frankly a burden sometimes. I have spent more hours of my motherhood life looking for “bear”, “duckie” and “dd dog” than I care to admit. My son even lost Bear in an IKEA once. A frickin IKEA!!! I had to crawl through one of their playforts and found him at the end of a tunnel going into a tent where a group of children had gathered; Bear holding court in their midst. I have no idea why they are so attached — and then my mom reminded me of the bunny that went to college with me; and I think it’s absolutely about having a little something from home coming along.
I like how Seinfeld describes it as “the semi circle of emotional support.” LOL
Awesome as always Coach!
Rorybore recently posted…Best Laid Plans Interruptus
Thanks Rore! Come to think of it, I’ve had a few must-haves. Like, early in my coaching career, I’d carry a bead cross one of my girls made for me in my pocket every game. I found out later one of my coaching heroes, John Wooden, did the same thing.
And I would qualify my copy of Sun Also Rises and beat-up Rockies cap as the same category - I won’t go on a trip without either!
Eli@coachdaddy recently posted…Go Ask Daddy About Runaway Scores, Computer Jargon and Cautionary Tales