Granny panties, atomic wedgies, and the quest for new underwear…

I guess I really took for granted how much dancing twice a week kept me in shape.  Lately, I’m really feeling it, as my butt is getting bigger.

And before you get all “Oh, Gina, you are so full of it, you’re too hard on yourself, it can’t be that bad,”  let me give you a piece of evidence.

I can no longer fit in to my underwear.

UNDERWEAR.  That basic undergarment that is usually stretchy and forgiving now feels like a sausage casing.  One should not have seam lines on one’s body after taking one’s undies off.

That, my friends, is a sign that it’s time for me to get back in to shape.  But also, a sign that it’s probably time to get new big girl panties.

I’m a creature of habit.  If I find something that works in the Delicate Garment department, I buy it in bulk and stick with it.

I’ve been wearing the same kind of cotton Victoria Secret underwear for almost a decade.  They’ve changed their design around a bit though, and they’re not as “full coverage” as they used to be.  And for a while there, I was sporting their fancy-yet-functional line that had a nice mix of cotton and lace. Just enough to make me feel ladylike, but enough coverage to keep all my cellulite from spilling out of the leg holes.

Yes, I’m a full coverage kind of gal.  Granny panties all the way.  I used to hear an earful from my dancer friends in the dressing room as I’d change.  My underwear collection would make Betty White shudder.

But I can’t help it, I like to be comfortable. I cannot stand having my underwear ride up my cheeks.

Before you suggest I try a thong, Im’ma stop you right there.  Sure, they don’t give unflattering panty lines.  But the few times I’ve tried going with a thong, I spent the whole morning feeling like I needed to pick that fabric out of my butt crack.

That is not flattering behavior.  And my butt dimples showed right through my sturdiest jeans.  Plus, there was some chaffing.   Please don’t make me go back there.  I had enough Atomic Wedgies from my brothers to last me a lifetime, thankyouverymuch.

So, I’ve been sticking with the same rotation of underpants for years.  And it shows.  Some of them have holes.  Thankfully not in the crotch.  More in the section around the waistband.  The ever-expanding section.

Last fall, I tried unsuccessfully to purchase underwear in a package at Target.  Epic fail.  Ever want to feel like you grossly underestimate your girth?  Try buying panties in a plastic bag according to the size chart on the back.

Now that I’ve had to throw out yet a couple more pairs of old standbys, I’m in the market for new undergarments, lest I be forced to go commando.  No one needs to see that.

But I have some criteria:

• They have to cover my ass.
• They have to look like they were purchased in this century.
• They have to cover my ass crack.
• They cannot come up to my belly button, however.
• They shouldn’t cost more than my car payment.
• They should look like they belong to an adult, and not my preschooler.
• They should be girly enough to distinguish from my son’s, but not make me feel like I need to hide them from my son.

What’s a girl to do?

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